Vermax Gets Artax'd
We're back. Tim ditched Mike last week (sorry, buddy), so we did the responsible thing and recorded two episodes in one sitting. Given that HBO made us wait two years for this, hey, it could be worse.
Here's our hot take: these two episodes should have been last season's finale. They're not the greatest hours the show has ever done. But they're good, and they'd have closed out Season 2 on something other than a shrug. Instead everybody potentially peaked in the premiere.
What Happens
Quick reminder of where we left things. Alicent went to Dragonstone and offered to hand over King's Landing if Rhaenyra spared her kids, all of them except Aegon. Aegon got barbecued by Aemond and is now on the run with Larys. A Triarchy fleet is on the way. Everybody's miserable.
Episode 1 is the Battle of the Gullet. Rhaenyra's whole peaceful-takeover plan depends on Aemond flying Vhagar out of the city so the Blacks can stroll in. Except Aegon bailed, so Aemond just... stays. He's acting king now, he's not going anywhere, and the plan is dead before it starts. Meanwhile the Triarchy shows up led by the pirate Lohar (Mike has dubbed her Lindsay Lohar because everyone needs a nickname), and every ship is bristling with ballistas built to kill dragons. A chunk of the fleet peels off and torches Driftmark.
Corlys goes overboard in full plate and is presumed dead. His bastard son Alyn jumps onto an enemy ship, attempts to drown Lohar before resorting to staby-stab, and instantly becomes the best guy in the episode. Also the dragons arrive, and one of them starts torching everyone, Team Black included. Turns out it's Rhaena, who abandoned her babysitting job to go find a wild dragon and, against all odds, actually tamed Sheepstealer. Jace pulls up to avoid frying Baela's dragon, and that hesitation kills him. Vermax gets shot out of the sky, drowns, and Jace bobs in the water long enough to take three arrows. They killed the pretty boy!
Episode 2, "Queen's Landing," is a downhill sprint to the throne. Baela hauls Jace's body home draped over her dragon. Rhaenyra mopes for about one scene, then flips a switch to full conqueror mode once Daemon tells her he believes the prophecy now. She and Daemon fly into King's Landing more or less by themselves. Alicent and Helaena have already quietly talked the Gold Cloaks and the wall defenders into standing down. Daemon walks through the Red Keep like it's a Tuesday, the Gold Cloaks flip to their old boss, and Rhaenyra plants herself on the Iron Throne. Then she executes Otto Hightower, badly, in the back, and that's the episode. She's queen. It's episode two.
Elsewhere: Aemond guts the very nice Ser Simon Strong at Harrenhal, gets stabbed in the back for it, and begs Alys for aid. Aegon and Larys are lost in the woods. Rhaena begs Lady Jeyne for asylum in the Vale and gets a very cold "you can stay in the trees, but I never want to see your face."
Our Takes
The Gullet looks great and we were lost the whole time. Bring the map intro back. Bring back the location cards Game of Thrones used to give us, the little "King's Landing," "Winterfell" tags at the bottom of the screen. Help a maester out.
We felt worse for the dragon than for Jace. He was a bit dickish this episode and, honestly, kind of had it coming. Also: Baela, you have a dragon, why did you not burn the ship that just shot your fiancé's brother? Cover fire exists.
Mike is off the Rhaenyra train entirely. Possibly least favorite character in the whole franchise, which is a big swing and he's committed to it. Tim's still got some sympathy, she did get genuinely usurped, but even he admits she's started buying her own hype about destiny, and that's usually when these people get insufferable.
The prophecy, again. They dragged the Song of Ice and Fire vision back out. Everyone knows how the Dance ends. Everyone knows how the whole saga ends. We watched it. Why are we regurgitating a prophecy we already saw "pay off" across eight seasons of a different show?
Highlights
- Mike on Alyn counting 350 enemy ships in ten seconds: "Those Velaryons, they're good at math."
- On why Vhagar keeps ignoring her rider: "Vhagar's just a crusty old bitch, does what she wants."
- The episode's title, courtesy of the drowning dragon: "Vermax gets Artax'd." NeverEnding Story fans, we're sorry.
- On Alicent's permanent expression: "a face like she always smells cat piss."
- On Otto's beheading: "He's not high anymore. He's about eight inches shorter."
- The Gold Cloak nudity investigation, which ended where all our investigations end: "All cops have bushes. Everybody knows this."
Next Episode
Rhaenyra's got the crown and something like six or seven dragons, so from here anything that goes wrong is on her. The Hightower army is still marching and hasn't heard Otto's dead or that Alicent's a hostage. The Winter Wolves are lurking. And we've got a running bet on Corlys turning cloak now that he's lost the fleet, the house, the wife, and most of the kids. Come back next week and watch us be wrong about all of it.
We didn't read the book, but that doesn't mean you can't. Want to know how the Dance actually plays out? It's all (allegedly) in George R.R. Martin's Fire & Blood.
The below link is an affiliate link to Amazon, which helps support us at no additional cost to you.
Follow
Tim is a Writer Now!
Tim debuted as a self-published author over the break. His first story "The Lightless Moon and the Starfall Horrow" is a sword and sorcery short read, following an independent adventuring crew in debt to The Guild and sent to secure a treasure from the stars. For more on the first of many tales to come, visit Tim's site below:
Tim Pickerill